Looking Within...

I met so many women... young women, on sunday at the exhibition. They are all waiting for their divorce to come thru or their separation to be long enough.  Many have the same story of how the men were not right, be it Arranged Marriage or Love Marriage. I may not be married but I have had my fair share of relationships. Live in relationships, long distant relationships, in your face relationships...! In all of these I have also felt that the man was not right at various points and for various reasons. But after a certain incident I was left with no choice but to look within.

I realized that I was attracting all these kinds of people because they were bringing up things within me that I just AVOIDED looking at. I was the queen of excuse making, specially in these situations. The minute anything that I did not want to address came up the resistance would start. This would lead to the fights and then days of silence. I would miss him so much. I would want to call and go meet him and just run into his arms... But then the Ego in the guise of Self Respect would creep in and I would see the logic in it. It was so easy to believe that I was not respected or I was being taken for a ride. I believed such nonsense about me.. I went thru many men and  remained unhappy for a long long time.

I prayed and prayed to meet someone who understood me and did not want to change me. And yet I wanted someone I wanted to grow on my spiritual path with. Now that I say this again, it feels like an antithesis to me. I was so not ready to grow. But the Universe kept answering my prayers and I kept rejecting it.

THEN I MET SOMEONE :D A special someone who changed many things for me. To start with, he saw me like I really was... LOVE, beauty, creativity, brains, issues and all. He honored me with all of it. He gave me the love he knew I deserved although I did not believe I did, then. He laughed with me, held space when I was going though things, held me before I even realized I wanted it, let alone asked for it, he gripped me with passion each moment he could find, he asked for my advice in his affairs, involved me in his life totally and completely, participated in mine as much as I would allow of it without  intruding. Oh I could go on... Bottom line: He treated me just the way I always wanted to be treated. At first it was great. It was a dream come true.

One day I was in a foul mood over something completely inconsequential. He just went on being him. He held me and wiped my tears. He held my chin and tilted my face to his, "No matter what it is, I am sure we can find a way thru it." Something inside just snapped. WHY WAS HE SO NICE TO ME?? WHAT DID HE WANT? I was so not used to being treated like that. So I asked him. He just smiled. "I want you." A part of me wanted to believe that this was real... it was not a fairy tale. But somehow the part of me that helped pamper the doubts had awoken. Suddenly the small thing like he never drops the toilet seat, he does not fold the sheet in the morning or he does not do this or always does that... it all became very in my face. It was the same as yesterday, but today my POV had changed. What was just a part of something I was used to doing each day became a burden. It became a reason to pick a fight. My voice would hit the roof. My emotions would hit rock bottom. And I was just there in the middle of it all. It went on for a whole week. He just remained himself.

He would quietly do each thing I had yelled about and find more stuff to do that would avoid anymore of it. And the one constant thing that never changed was him telling me how much he loved me every chance he got. After a week I could find nothing to yell about. There was nothing I could blame him about or say he did wrong or did not do. I was in a fix. I remember an entire day when I just sat silently. But it was a different silence. It was a silence that made me go within. It made me ask myself why all of a sudden that relationship had become madness. I took a peak within. Immediately all my defenses came up, "But he did this and that and..... " That felt just right. But only for an hour. Then I was tempted to look inside again. I did. It was uncomfortable to see what I did.

I saw patterns I had lived with all my life. Each man I had been with was teaching me almost the same lesson but unfortunately did not have the patience or the right tools to truly help me learn. BUT MORE THEN THAT... I WAS NOT WILLING TO LEARN! I was busy living with old conditionings and out of moment belief systems. I was seen believing that a successful relationship was always a struggle. I had proof all around me. If ANYTHING was smooth sailing in a relationship, either person did not care enough.  True love involved Passion, which means fights. I was witness to such relationships and had seen the people living in them not matter what. It never occurred to me that I could change it for myself. How silly was I? But I don't blame myself. It was a situation I had to be in for a while to have this understanding. With each new insight I fell more and more in love with my man.

I loved how he was just there, no matter what. Like a mirror he just reflected what I needed to see and yet it was super silent. He did not even urge me in a direction that he thought I should look into. He just kept himself present to me every moment. He allowed me to see for myself what I was doing, feeling, believing etc. I started to calm down. I started becoming more aware to how I was used to being treated and how I expected myself to be treated verses how I truly wanted to be treated deep inside. The conflict was massive, but it was necessary. Many a times I broke down, I fell apart in total disbelief. How did I allow others to do this to me. --- I was still looking outside. He asked me just one small question, " What are you doing to your self in this moment? " 

OH MY GOD!! I was doing just that to myself. I was furious with me. How could I do this to me?? Its so not what I really want. How could I be so stupid? I remember when I started thinking like that and the anger grew I became so helpless, I started crying. He just hugged me. He sent me an energy that calmed and comforted that inner turmoil, or it is what I think I was getting. Point is, it helped. After an hour of crying and allowing me the time to get all helpless, I stopped. I picked my head up from that hug and looked him straight in the eyes. They were smiling with so much love. All of a sudden I started laughing. He merrily joined in. :) We rolled around laughing for a long time. 

When I found my voice, I remember telling him, "I will look at myself with unconditional love and permit myself to make my mistakes without judging me. I will treat me like I want me to be treated. I will honor me in every aspect of my existence. I am perfect in every moment and every thing I do." His response... A deep sigh, moist eyes and the most memorable kiss ever. :) "I love you", he said to me, "and I always will." From that moment so much began to change. I learnt with conscious attention to me everyday what would like to work on and how. It took a while but today, after lots of self work and fun with me, things have become very different. My relationship to men has changed drastically. I now only attract those who value me for who I truly am. They see me value me and have no choice. I am now unafraid to drop the occasional man who thinks he needs to fix me or rule me. Yes, I will first see the lesson though. Not like I have finished learning all that I have to. But the journey has been amazing and I am looking forward to the rest of it too.

My point in sharing this slice of life?? I am hoping women can see why they attract the kind of men and situations they do! There is a world within that they are afraid to visit. May be they have forgotten.. The true power of the Divine Feminine lives within us! We are all, man or woman, carriers of unlimited Divine Power, of LOVE. We just have to remind ourselves and others from time to time. We are all this big community and we may all play a part in spreading the Love, if we so wish. Its a great time to consider this. 

Any questions anyone may have regarding this is welcome to ask. Please allow yourself to question freely, nothing holds you back. 

In Complete Love and Complete Trust

Shakti ~*~